When the truth hurts.

Be careful what you ask you for, you may just get it. And it may be painful if what you asked for was the truth.

I asked for feedback from my mother and sister as to why they thought I was such an angry person. Where could the anger be coming from?? I thought that that if I could answer this question, I might be able to "fix" the eating disorder; since I know there is a direct relationship between being angry and using bulimia as my outlet to demonstrate that angry covertly.

My sister gave me this truthful theory:
"You don't love you husband anymore and you no longer want to be with him. But you can't or don't want to admit this; so you keep quiet. You carry guilt for staying with someone you don't love and you don't want to hurt him or cause disappointment to anyone. You're angry because you know it's not your fault for feeling this way, but can't or don't do anything to change the situation.

OUCH!! But I think she may be right. I can't deny it, but I haven't agreed to it either. I can write it down, or think it, or even blog it; but it still doesn't seem official or TRUE if I don't verbalize out loud. It's still my secret. Everyone may know it, but it doesn't exist if I don't say it....RIGHT???

But I'm scarred; what if I'm wrong?? What if the theory isn't true. Maybe this ISN'T the reason I'm angry. I would have risked my marriage and my life and maybe lost it all. When really I just needed to grow up and put on a pair of "Big Girl Panties"! I'd rather continue to be angry and blame others, than be scarred or alone and have only myself to blame.

He pisses me off!

I called my husband and told him I needed support tonight. Yet, he's gone when I return home. I am alone in an empty house...not a good thing. I am so angry at him for leaving me here to fight this battle myself. He often says, "Why won't you let me help you?", "I can be your support so you don't feel alone.", and yet...where is he when I need him?? Is it any wonder why I don't include him in my battle with food?? He is NOT there for me, hasn't been and won't be.

And, get this...I asked if he had checked the mail at our old house (we just moved) since he went by this afternoon to pick up a few things. "No...I didn't, why?" WHY?? So we can pay bills, so people don't know the house is empty and break-in, so I can go through the junk mail at reasonable rate instead of mounds of it!! And his response, "Yeah...your right." HELL YEAH I'm right! Why don't you listen and use your brain, dumbass!!

Normally, I would take this raging angry and stuff it down with food. To make the angry voice dissipate. I mean, how dare I? How dare I put this pressure on him? How dare I ask for help when he puts up with all my crap? What right do I have to bother him? He's a very busy and important man; and doesn't need this added stress right??

So why didn't I do that today? Why did I come to the computer instead? The feelings and anger are still there. Is it hope? Is it that very quiet voice somewhere inside saying "Enough is Enough" and "You CAN do this; and you can do it by yourself."

I don't know the answer, but I'll take the resulting behavior. Maybe this will be the first day on my calendar without the red X representing another bad day. I'll let you know how it goes.

Free Falling

Yesterday I went skydiving and it was amazing!! I was screaming and freaking out the whole time during free fall; and yet as soon as the parachute was released it was the calmest, most peaceful experience of my life.

Very similar to the black and white aspect of my life. I'm either raging or I'm in a coma. Where is the gray space? Where is the awareness of emotion, yet calm and restrained?

Which brings me to the question o'day: Does the gray space have to exist? What is wrong with a black and white personality? Sure, it's not easy and not always fun for those around me, but if this is me...shouldn't other's accept it?

I want to do another jump...I for experimental sake. I want to know if I would be more "gray" this time. Less freaking out, less comatose, and more enjoyable and gray?